Warning the following post has the potential to trigger some people.
Control. This one word is powerful, frightening and one that most of us are addicted to in one way or another. We all like to think we are in control of our lives, but are we really? If you stop to truly think how much of your life and time do you actually control? Work? Pleasure? Now imagine yourself in a situation where you are no longer in control, how do you feel? If you are like me and thousands like me around the world that is not only uncomfortable, but distinctly cold sweat inducingly frightening. Why? Because we equate control with autonomy and autonomy we equate with being free.
I’m not here to debate whether we are truly free to do what we want. That would require politics and morality debates, which would be a whole other debate I don’t want to go down. I want to focus and hone this conversation. You see, control is something that we all want and strive for in our lives. Yet, sadly, millions of people every single day have control removed from their lives through abuse, through trauma or through long term illness. I wish I could cover every single one of those factors here. I truly do, having lived with all three for many years. However, I cannot. It would not do justice to anything or anyone. So I want to concentrate on the first in that list – abuse! Why? Because as a society for centuries abusive behaviour has become normalised, even acceptable. Yet, at its core all forms of abuse come back to one central thing. That one word I opened this post with – control.
Abuse removes the freedom of choice from the victim. It manipulates. It controls. In the end the abuser wants nothing more than for the victim to bend to their whims, their desires and what they think is the correct path or correct thing to do in any given situation. It is the ultimate ego boost and the ultimate soul destroyer. Yet, because so many of the more subtle forms of abuse have been normalised in our society we do not recognise until it is too late what is going on and even if we do recognise it we rationalise and make excuses. Ultimately, it is down to the individual and society to change this. Society only changes once enough individuals change.
As a survivor, I have to hold my own hands up and exclaim with disbelief I am a part of the problem! My silence for many years enabled what happened to continue. Worse, my own victim mentality continued to cycle. In every relationship I have been in I can see how I’ve tried to keep control. I want to believe that I was never truly abusive, but am I the best judge of my own character? In admitting that I tried to maintain a sense of control am I in essence admitting to something much more unpleasant, something I need (or perhaps should) apologise to my ex’s for?
At what point does a need for control tip over into something much more unpleasant? Or should we as humans be seeking to find more middle ground? I do not believe for an instant that when I held onto the reigns of control I was any happier than when I felt that I had no control whatsoever. Why? Because I was, in both situations, perpetrating something else. In both cases I was still seeing myself to be the victim. While I was experiencing what I did as a child I, quite rightly, saw myself as the one that things happened to and thus out of control. However, when I was the controller (or attempted one at least) I was still the victim because nothing I tried would work. Thus I was the victim, still suffering. Ok so writing this I want to roll my eyes and think am I right? It sounds wrong and overly dramatic, even to Me. You, my readers, do not need my craziness.
So, back to the central issue – control. Survivors cling to control like humans gasp for air. This is because we know what it is like to not have control in at least one area of our lives. Fear rules the day and our egos tell us that if we keep control in every area of our lives then we can avoid the situation we were in before. Do the abused become the abusers? Unfortunately, because, I believe abuse is a learned behaviour (here comes the nature vs nurture debate), I believe it is possible for us to do so, unconsciously then keeping the cycles going. I also believe, however, it is possible for us to break that cycle. Relinquishing control of the narrative, those around us, or even relinquishing any form of control goes against everything we are taught since the day we come into this world. Whether it be toilet training and speech or control of our appetites our sleep patterns or our moral choices from the day we are born our parents put restrictions in place and we are taught that control is everything – is it any wonder then that as flawed human beings that taught need for control goes wrong and sinks into excess? Is it any wonder that abuse has become so ingrained so that we no longer see it anymore?
So, is there a solution to this problem? Can we find a healthy balance in our hearts and lives? The answer is a resounding, YES! But it takes work and a kind of self awareness that few of us are brave enough to have. For we need to come to embrace that not everything is or even needs to be in our control. We need to come to a place where we are open and honest about what we want, but okay with the notion that may not be what those around us are capable of giving us, or even compatible with their needs and desires. We need to learn to truly listen more and to be willing to change. In short, embrace the chaos of life, not all control is bad. However excess in that as much as anything else is severely detrimental.
